I´m the type of person who buries things.  Dragging what ever issue or thought out into the backyard of my mind and digging a hole six feet deep to bury it. I keep all of these things underground because they are important to me in some way but I cannot express their meaning to anyone. There views tarnish their unique properties. I am convinced that if I tried to display them, they would be critized. A positive critique is just a detrimental as a negative one.

Then I go about looking for new things to bury. A person cannot be a grave digger forever. It takes too much time, too much energy and isolates a person too much.  Which is essentially why you experienced psychosis and why your having such a hard time now. Its as if you´ve put yourself into different dimensions and cannot function within any of them. As long as we keep trying, she says, we will dig everything up and sort it out.

Well, that is all well and good.

I have always liked to imagine that I am the type of person who would do whatever is in my power to help someone. I can´t figure out how my help should manifest itself.  In an odd way it feels like the old methods might be appropriate. Like nothing has changed and nothing is different. In others it feels like there’s been a disconnect. I´ve lost the ability to figure it all out or to say the right thing.

I feel like my skills are rusty, like I´m letting the only people I care about down by not being able to figure it all out. At this point everything I do seems discouraging and slightly pathetic.

 I´d rather not throw pebbles at your window if you don´t want to talk to me because I will throw pebbles till daybreak. Not knowing that all you really needed was some mother-fucking sleep.

celinestaben@yahoo.com